The Decline
by Miki X Mara
Summary: I've always wondered what Nick and Helen's life was like before she left, and what drove her to do the things she did. So here it is- the decline of the Cutter marriage.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer- I Don't own Primeval.**

**A/N I really do like reviews... A lot ;)**

LECTURE

Helen Cutter was nervous. She shouldn't be, she knew, it wasn't like she'd never done this before, but she was. She couldn't help it. The only thing she didn't love about her life as a professor of palaeontology was trying to win over the new students. It wasn't that her lectures weren't interesting, or that she didn't know what she was talking about, it was just that she struggled sometimes to restrain herself from pointing out their supreme ineptitude. And Nick was out there, as he always was in her first lecture. He would stand at at the back of the room, smiling that same smile every time she walked into the room. Helen wondered if perhaps the reason he smiled was because this was the only time he ever saw her falter. And in her nervousness she would grin, quickly back at him, blushing a little. This would make him laugh silently and and he would raise a hand in a wave. It was reassuring. She wished she didn't rely on him to be there for her, she much preferred to be independent, but he never thought any less of her for it. Of he didn't, fool.

So she walked into the large lecture theatre, trying to get her thoughts in order, feeling hundreds of eyes glued to her. When she reached the front, she looked up at her husband and they repeated their annual greeting of nervous smiles. The students looked quickly between them and she realised they probably didn't know who either one of them were. Catching herself, she drew her eyes away from Nick.  
"Oh! Yes! New students... I'm Professor Helen Cutter and the man standing at the back of the room... Yes the blond one... Is my husband Nick Cutter. Also a professor, just not as talented..." The students laughed, so did Nick, eyes on the floor.  
"If you need a way to tell the two Professor Cutters apart... He's blond, a little taller... Also a man." They laughed again and she smiled. It was going better than she had anticipated.  
"So you're all here to study palaeontology, yes? Then you're all idiots. Trust me, when you get into this, you can never do anything else. It's too... Oh I don't even know the word."  
"Wondrous?" Nick chimed in. She rolled her eyes.  
"I can lecture my own students thank you very much... I was going to say fascinating." There was another flurry of laughter.  
"Sure you were." She put one hand on her hip and pointed the other strait towards the door. He didn't move, just smiled. She rose her eyebrow and pointed again. He put his hands up in surrender and walked out of the room.

She saw a hand rise. It belonged to a thin, but muscular boy with dark hair. He was quite... Appealing... For his age. She rolled her eyes gently.  
"How can you have any questions? I've not started teaching yet! Go on what is it?" He smirked.  
"Are we supposed to be taking noted on this... Professor?" Despite herself she smiled. She liked him, quite a lot. She thought they could be friends.  
"What's your name?" He grinned, glad at having got her attention.  
"Stephen. Stephen Hart."  
There it was. The beginning of what was to become a great friendship.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer- I don't own it.**

**A/N... Any reviews would be amazing... Also if she doesn't seem much like Helen yet it's because she's not yet... She'll become more familiar as the story progresses... As will the others.**

DRIVING

She opened the door to her house and walked inside, feeling the warmth envelope her. She sighed, a smile on her face, it had been a good day. Dropping her bag on the floor and slipping her shoes of, she wondered briefly what time Nick had got home, it wasn't like him to be back this early. Most days he'd stay in his office until the late hours of the night, working. She told herself she didn't mind, but the truth was- she missed him. Walking into the kitchen, she saw him sitting there, waiting for her. She stopped for a moment, just looking at him. He had a glass in his hand. Lagavulin. The smell was overpowering. Moving slowly, she went to sit across from him, looking into his eyes. He smiled, coldly, and put his glass on the table. She took that as a cue to reach over and pull his hands into hers. For a brief second it felt as though he was a million miles away from her, and she was running to try and bring him back. She wanted to tell him how much she needed him, but the best she could do were a few half-hearted mumbles.  
"I love you, Nick. You do know that I love you, don't you?" He chuckled a little, shaking his head and looking down, the same way he had done earlier that day in the Lecture Theatre. Seeing it again now, it felt more like he was laughing at her, and it stung. She couldn't even tell if he was trying to hurt her intentionally anymore. Sometimes he felt like a different man altogether.  
"Nick?" He pulled one hand out of hers and moved it to her face. She didn't want to, but she felt herself leaning into that hand, like it was a form of relief.  
"You are insane, you know that Helen?" Then he pulled her face forward, quickly, and kissed as though he'd just realised that she was he only thing in the world worth kissing. It took her completely by surprise and when he stood up, removing his hands from her body, he left her sitting there- eyes wide, lips slightly ajar, dazed. She didn't know what to do, what to say. She could have said three million things, so the words that came out of her mouth surprised her in how ill fitted they were to the circumstance.  
"Nick is everything alright?" She called after him. She heard him chuckle- no reply.  
Suddenly she was filled with a humiliated anger. She wiped her wrist across her face roughly. Her mouth tasted like alcohol. Taking a moment to decide what to do, she shut her eyes tight and clenched her fists. Then she sprang up, knocking over her chair, and stormed out, only taking a moment to put her shoes on and pick up her bag. She made sure to slam the door on the way out.

Helen couldn't understand why he was behaving like this, it made no sense. Looking down at her watch she saw it was only 8:30. Not even nine and her husband was already drunk. She wondered at what her life had become, then realised it hadn't become this at all- Nick wasn't a drunk- this was just for one night. It was only one night on which she needed something to do, not a new flat. Nothing that extreme. After deliberating over her options for a moment, she decided to go back to the university and sit in the library for a while. She had every day of the year for research, she supposed she could spare one for reading.  
She drove quickly through the darkness, every now and then a turn in the road would loom out of the darkness and she would swerve at the last minute, narrowly avoiding a crash. A darker part of her mind (and one that she would soon become well aquatinted with) spoke to her.  
_"What would be so bad if you did crash?"_ It said, words like knives.  
_"What would you miss? Nick? Would you miss Nick?"_ Out loud she whispered the word "Yes." Of course she would miss Nick. She loved Nick. Didn't she? Her hands were gripping the steering wheel so hard she could feel the pain as they started cramping. Her entire body was rigid. Inside her head that ice cold voice was daring her to close her eyes and jam her foot on the accelerator. Daring her the same way it dared her every time she had her hands on the wheel.

When she reached the university car park she braked the car so fast it jolted her entire body. It was that jolt that sent her body into overload. Hysterical sobs wracking her body, hands still frozen on the steering wheel. She couldn't think, couldn't breath. Everything was so loud, she felt so dizzy. She was loosing him, she knew it. When he kissed her back there it wasn't out of passion. He was laughing at her, laughing at how she couldn't see what was happening. When he said she was insane, he meant insane. She was loosing her mind and she was loosing him and he knew it. He had known it for a long time. It was the fact that her own mind was telling her to give in to the insanity that broke her. She couldn't hold herself back from the edge. She was crying so hard that she didn't notice the boy tapping on her window, concern furrowing his brow. She didn't notice when he opened the passenger door and slid in next to her. She only noticed him when he pulled her into his arms. To both of their astonishment, she let him. Stephen Hart stroked the back of the strange woman's hair because he didn't know what to do. Helen Cutter stopped crying because all of a sudden, she wasn't alone.


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer- don't own it.**

**A/N- loveee reviews xxx thanks if you've given them ;) they make my day 3**

Sleep?

The room was dark and cold. It was dark and cold and Helen did nothing to alleviate either the darkness of the coldness. Instead, she lay in her bed, facing the wall, shivering and listening to Nick's steady breaths. She couldn't sleep again, since that night three weeks ago she had been awake all night, every night. She was haunted by memories of them. Haunted by memories of Nick's eyes, soft, loving. By his voice, words spoken gently, not scathing. Words that told her he loved her and words she had not heard in a long time. It was 3.39, the clock on her bed side table told her, and she'd been lying in the same position for about four hours. At about 2, her breath had begun to form mist in front of her face. She really did need to get the boiler fixed. Nick turned towards her, his breath hot on the back of her neck, making her hairs rise. Before she could let herself think about it too much, she let her body twist so that she was looking into his face. It made her smile to see him lying there, so calm, so innocent. There was a smirk on his lips and a kink to his eyebrows that told her he was having a good dream. In his sleep, he pulled her towards him and she curled into his chest. At the sudden warmth in contrast to her cold flesh, her chest started convulsing, bringing Nick out of his slumber. She knew the moment he was awake because his arms tightened around her, trying to restrain her.  
"Helen oh my god you're so cold." They lay like that for a long time before her convulsions stopped, then they lay a while longer. They talked of senseless things and of memories, laughing together and going back to the good days. Helen felt real again. She felt like they'd snapped out of some illness that had been dizzying them.  
At around 4.30 Nick fell asleep.  
At around 5.30 Helen did the same.  
At around 6.30 Helen woke up.  
She did so to find that Nick was gone, and once again, she could see mist form from her breath.

She was tired, so tired. Her eyes couldn't focus on what was in front of her and her brain couldn't process information. The first time she heated up her porridge, she forgot to put oats in, the second time she forgot to eat it. She got dressed in a hurry, pulling on a pair of jeans and a shirt, forgetting about makeup. She forgot about her hair too, and almost her shoes. It felt like everything was disconnected in her mind, like she was underwater, light-headed and out of focus. After leaving the house, she glanced at her car, then decided against it and went to catch the bus instead.

The students were used to her now; they were used to her passion and her ruthlessness. In college they had been provided with a teacher who would baby them when they were right, help them when they were wrong. And it wasn't that Helen didn't help. It was just that she tended to laugh first. She could be soft and gentle one moment, and the next her eyes could pin you to your chair like spears. Some would criticise her teaching methods, but she got the grades out of her pupils. Without them realising it, she made them strive to do better, be better, prove their worth. Helen could be mean, but something about her made it worth it. Each pupil in her class was learning this, and none was learning quite so fast as Stephen Hart. Whilst waiting for the professor to arrive, he thought back to the day after he had first met her.  
He had been strolling around the campus, just as something to do, and had glanced through into the cafe. There she was. She was just sat there, staring at her book. She didn't even look up when he sat across from her, but he knew she was there.  
"What do you want, Nick?" She sounded tired. He smiled a bit and tried to bob his head down into her field of vision.  
"Not Nick." This time her head shot up, but he wasn't met by a smile. She was annoyed.  
"Find then. What do you want, Stephen?" Still smiling, bemused by the professor, he reached out to touch her hand. She drew it back to herself and pulled away. Helen looked him up and down, jaw set and eyes cold.  
"I just wanted to see if you were alright." She shrugged. That was the first time he noticed how casual she was. Looking at her, he saw a woman who was practical, strong and quite hot. Her vest was tight and her trousers loose. He took a moment to imagine her running.  
"I'm fine. Is there anything else you desperately needed to say or was that it?" Stephen grinned.  
"Just that you look great today professor." She held back a smile as he sauntered off. After that he had noticed that she was in there every day at 12.30. At first he would make excuses to see her, this paper or that site. Before long, it just became habit to meet there. She even waited for him until she bought a drink. Despite whatever was happening at home, every day she appeared strong... and extremely satisfied.

That was why it surprised him to see her walk into the Lecture Theatre that day, somewhat in a daze. She looked as if she didn't really know where she was. About halfway to the front of the room, she stopped and faltered a little. Without even thinking, Stephen was already moving towards her. She took one more step, then he caught her as she fell, unconscious.


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: I don't own it.**

**A/N- thanks for the reviews, I really appreciate it! :) I hope you enjoy this chapter from a different perspective. It might change things a bit. It's kind of short but it's late so... I'll write more tomorrow xxx**

Understanding.

Nick Cutter stood at the front of the Lecture Theatre, feeling drained. His wife's students all sat before him, mumbling between themselves, and he just couldn't be bothered to shut them up. There was one boy though, one boy who sat quietly, one they were all talking about. He presumed the kid was Stephen. He was told that Stephen Hart had caught her when she fell and called an ambulance. The boy caught his eye and Nick put on a smile to show it was appreciated. All he got in return was a solemn nod. He sighed.  
"Right. Shut it. I'm Nick Cutter you've all met me before... I'm going to be taking you today for reasons you are all aware of. Yes she'll be back in tomorrow, if you're interested, she's just a little... Tired." He didn't want to divulge too much information. The truth was that his wife had passed out from prolonged exhaustion. Looking around he saw that Stephen's eyebrow was raised. He didn't buy that Helen was fine.  
"So... Sauropods? I'm sure she mentioned something about covering the evolutionary tree of sauropods the other day. Is that right?" He got a murmur of confirmation.  
"Brilliant. Does anyone already know this?" Every person raised their arm. He sighed again.  
"Okay then. You." He pointed at the dark haired boy.  
"What's your name?" The boy frowned. He was clearly distrusting of the professor, though Nick had no idea why.  
"Stephen, Stephen Hart." He smiled, drawing up a chair and sitting in it.  
"Right then Stephen Hart. Go get me some coffee." The boy stood slowly, hesitantly.  
"Go on. No sugar with cream. Thanks." He smiled as the confused student walked out. Nick waited a good minute to ask what he needed to ask. He looked at the kids, all sitting looking a little confused, and hoped they were paying attention.  
"What exactly happened to Helen? Did she faint? Did she collapse? What? What happened?" A student rode his hand.  
"She walked about half way into the room before she fell. To be honest she looked as though she couldn't really remember how she got there. Stephen must have realised she was ill because he went to catch her. She just lost consciousness, Professor." He nodded and looked at the student. He really needed to talk to Helen when he got home. He thought for a second then made a decision.  
"Okay all of you can piss off do something else. I'm not in the mood for this and it's not like any of you are listening. Go on. Off you pop." Slowly, unsure at first if he was being serious, the confused students trickled out of the room.  
By the time Stephen got back with a cup of coffee, Nick was completely alone. Stephen faltered at the door to the room and frowned as he walked in.  
"Everyone's gone." Nick nodded and held a hand out for coffee.  
"Yep. Sit down." Stephen gave him coffee and sat down. He waited a moment before posing his question. He had realised quite early on that this boy knew Helen a little better than the rest, the chances were he thought he knew a little bit about her.  
"So what has my wife been saying about me? I mean there must be something she's said... What other reason would you have for looking at me the way you do." Stephen frowned.  
"She hasn't said anything. Is there something that needs saying?" Despite himself, the professor laughed, amused by the boy's audacity.  
"Of course not. Helen's upset because we aren't young anymore and everything's less fun." Stephen raised an eyebrow.  
"I'm not saying we're old, but we aren't newly married. Nothing's as exiting between us now. Which is fine. It's just she isn't used to it and she gets scared that she's going to loose me. So she gets over upset and says things to try and justify it." Stephen nodded slowly, pretending he understood.  
"So she lies?" He genuinely couldn't believe that Helen would do that. Nick looked surprised, his eyes widening.  
"No! She doesn't know she does it. She just paints me as a villain sometimes. I just wanted you to know I'm an okay guy." The kid was still nodding.  
"Right... Why ?" Nick gave up. He didn't know why he was saying these things to this boy. Then again- he and Helen had no children to play tug of war with- the best they had was Stephen. Of course, that wasn't fair as the kid obviously had no clue what was going on.  
"I really don't know. Get out. Stephen Hart picked up his bags, really not sure what to think, and walked out. Nick liked him, he was sure that if he needed assistants on his next dig, he would ask Stephen first. Banishing all thoughts of dark haired boys and mistrust from his mind, Nick Cutter collected his belongings and went home to see his wife.


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer- Don't own it. A/N- sorry this is late- the site was malfunctioning on my phone and I couldn't upload! It's still quite short but hey. Thanks everyone for reviews- I'm trying to listen to advice so that's great if you give it, hope you enjoy xxx Funding. Later that day, Nick stood at the side of his bed and watched his wife sleep. He thought back to the night before, when her convulsions had awoke him, and realised that she had lain awake like that every night for weeks. All he wanted to know was what was keeping her awake. He had thought they were okay, but he had to have done something to cause this. It had to be his fault. Helen was lying on her back, head facing away from him, one arm spreadeagled across the bed. She looked exactly the same as she had done on the morning of their wedding, but when he looked at her he found that he didn't see the same woman lying there. She opened her eyes and turned her head to face him, reaching out to take his hand. He let her, but his body stayed rigid buy her side. He watched her very carefully, her slow smile- hopeful. He found himself nervous. "I don't trust you Helen. When did I stop trusting you?" She pulled back her hand and used it to start propping herself up in bed. "Does it matter?" He turned quickly to look at her, shock registering on his face. "Does it matter? Does me trusting you matter? Yes Helen, just a bit. It matters just a bit." She smiled, a cold smile that made him feel naive. "Then I suppose it matters that I can't trust you, either?" Nick opened his mouth slightly, then shut it, frowning. He had never done anything to betray her, nor ever would, contrary to his beliefs of her. She had no reason to mistrust him. He loved her... Didn't he? Then she said something that surprised him. Not just the words but the way she said them. There was something in her voice that told him she really wanted to know the answer to his question. "What was going on with you the other night, Nick. The alcohol... You weren't yourself. What were you thinking about?" He surprised himself further by taking one of her hands in his. "I'm really sorry Helen." Her eyes looked into his, fear and anticipation clear as day. "I didn't know how to tell you. The university said that if you don't produce any sound research then they're going to stop funding you. You have this year and then it's over." She looked like someone had died. "I... Read your paper... You were talking about how time travel makes perfect sense. It was... Well it was insane, Helen. That's what they're worried about." She didn't say anything, but he saw a look somewhat akin to betrayal on her face. Helen tore her hand from his, disentangled herself from the sheets and stormed out of the room. Nick couldn't quite bring himself to follow her. He just sat, his head in his hands, thinking about the look in his wife's eyes when he had called her insane. Slowly, he stood, preparing for the battle that would ensue when he tried to convince her to go back to bed. She was leaning on the kitchen counter, trying to not let him notice her arms were shaking. He saw, of course, and would have pitied her if it weren't for the strength he knew she fought to hold down. She could have left him in a second, for years, but she didn't. She chose to be weak and stay with him. For some reason he didn't think that would last much longer. "Don't you see Nick? It's the only way!" Her eyes were full of such passion. She was so sure of herself. He sighed and went to lean next to her. "Helen, I don't doubt you, you know that! I think you're brilliant! It's just the university want something more... conventional..." She looked up at him, angry still. "So I should just pretend that creatures don't just appear out of the blue or evolve overnight? Write more dull theories about archaeopteryx? I can't do this. Nick. Don't tell me you aren't curious! I know you are! I know you want to know why it doesn't fit, just as much as I do!" Her anger had been replaced by a fire, a passion for science. She wanted to know. She wanted him just as much. She held a hand up to his face, caressing his cheek with her thumb. "Help me, Nick. Come with me! Help me find out why!" He put his own hand over hers and smiled, gently. "No, Helen." Her smile dropped with her hand and she walked away. As she left her heard her yell back "STOP KIDDING YOURSELF, NICK!" There was a knock at the door and he went to answer it. Stephen was standing there awkwardly, holding a rucksack he knew well. "Hey Professor Cutter... The... Other Professor Cutter dropped her bag earlier." Nick thanked him and invited him in for a cup of tea. Stephen gratefully accepted and waked into the house, leaning back against the same counter Helen had been standing at a few minutes earlier. "You know what, Stephen, call me Cutter and my wife Helen. It will save you so much confusion." Stephen smiled and nodded, taking the mug that he was handed. It was at this moment that Helen stormed in, not noticing the teenager stood in the kitchen. She had changed into shorts and a vest. "You know what if you aren't going to help me and the University won't fund me I might as well be done with the both of you. You treat me like dirt as it is, never mind if I became a housewife." She grabbed her rucksack from the table, then realised that she had, in fact, left it at work. She looked up, strait at Stephen. He waved. "Hello Stephen." She turned and started towards the front door, until she staggered. Nick ran to steady her, walking her back to the bedroom, one hand on her head. He helped her into her nighty and put her back into bed. Before he went back to the other room, he pulled the strands of hair from her face and kissed her forehead softly. When he got back through, Stephen was gone. On the counter was a note reading- "Very sorry to disturb you, thanks for the Tea." 


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer- Don't own it. A/N- you guys know how much I love reviews, yeah? ;) Please review it genuinely makes my day. Hope you like 3 The Betrayal- Helen was back in work the next day and perfectly happy to be so. She hated not working, sitting in bed, completely useless to everyone. She had spent all of yesterday feeling as though she was paralysed- her mind was buzzing, her limbs itching to be used, yet she was stuck in bed. Her mood had slowly worsened throughout the day, each chicken soup or condescending cup of tea was met with a glare that her husband (dead set on doing everything for her) didn't seem to notice. She hated everything being done for her, yet at the same time they hadn't felt so close in months. Anyway, that closeness was gone. The day so far had been relatively normal- she had woken up, Nick brought her a coffee, she got dressed and... She couldn't quite remember... her head was still a little scrambled. Anyway she was now at the university, and had remembered her rucksack. Unsure as to whether or not she had remembered to eat anything, she went to buy some food from the cafe. Unfortunately, when she reached the counter, she realised she had forgotten her wallet. She looked up, surprised, mouth open to explain herself, and a hand reached around her and handed a ten pound note to the cashier. "Here, I'll pay." She turned and smiled as Stephen picked up her sandwich. They ate in relative silence, each feeling slightly uncomfortable, the previous day's encounter hanging between them like a light that was a little too bright. Every now and again, Helen would look up for a moment, only to catch Stephen looking at her, the odd thing being that he didn't look away when she saw. He was deep in thought- considering what he would be willing to do for someone dear to him, however little that person noticed his affections or cared of his opinions- he was thinking about Helen. Actually he was thinking about Helen's argument with her husband and her sudden decision to leave. "Did you really mean it when you said you were leaving him?" He asked the question quietly, not sure whether to expect an emotional response. He didn't get one. Helen just looked up, smiling a warm smile with ice cold eyes. "I don't know Stephen, maybe." She took another bite from her sandwich, now watching him and nothing else. "Why, is it bothering you?" Her eyes were intense, deeply interested, but only on her own gain he was sure. However, she was curious, he knew that much. She found his confusion intriguing. He leant back, still watching her. "I don't know, Helen." It was at this moment that Helen Cutter realised what she could get from Stephen, the fun she could have, the distraction, the thrill. It was at this moment she forgot the betrayal. She looked at Stephen, for the first time, without the shadow of her husband hanging in front of his face. What she saw was an attractive, but naive boy who was intelligent enough to want her and innocent enough to let her take him. She saw an opportunity. Helen moved her plate to one side and leant forwards, each move deliberate. In doing this (holding her body at a certain angle, one she knew well, in order to show just the right amount of cleavage) and licking her lips as though checking for crumbs she knew weren't there, she disarmed him completely. "You know, Stephen, if you wanted we could always go somewhere more... Private... To discuss this? It's an odd situation we find ourselves in. It can feel confusing sometimes. I know I've been feeling... Overwhelmed recently." He swallowed slightly and replied "Sure! My dorm room is this way." He stood to leave but she grabbed his hand stopping him. "No, not there. Trust me, I know somewhere." And he did. Stephen linked his arm through hers and she led him back to her car. She drove for a while before parking in a small wooded area, no-one around. It was a warm day, humid, but the sky was dark and clouds (along with the thick array of trees) blocked out the sun. They sat there for a long time, neither of them saying anything as both knew the things that needed to be said. It wasn't an uncomfortable silence, but a palatable one, she could almost taste it in the air. At last deciding to speak, Stephen turned to her. "Helen, I would do anything for you if you gave me the chance. You know that, don't you?" She nodded slowly, almost surprised by the intensity of his gaze. "Why don't you let me? Why do you make me sit idly by, knowing you aren't happy and knowing you're with him. Pretending you mean nothing to me. Do you not want me?" She didn't even allow him a moment to wait for her answer, she had heard what she needed. She reached for him and found that he was doing the same. There was such an urgency as they pulled their bodies together that it almost scared her, but she found she couldn't stop. For a moment she looked into his eyes, a final check that yes, he wanted her as much as she wanted him, then she shut her eyes tight and felt his lips begin to mould her own. At first his kisses were hesitant, but the moment she moved her hand up to grasp his hair their passion seemed to consume all thoughts of a husband, a career and all Helen noticed was his body- warm and strong against her own. She lost track of times, morals. She lost herself. That night, as she lay in bed next to her husband, the memories came back to her. The sounds of Nick's soft breaths altered to be Stephen's gasping ones. The touch of Nick's hand one her arm became a memory of Stephen's desperate touches. Her skin tingled with the thoughts and guilt overwhelmed her. That night was the last night Helen Cutter cried herself to sleep. When she awoke the next morning, she found she really didn't give a damn. 


	7. Chapter 7

Disclaimer- Don't own it. A/N- sorry updates are less frequent- it's difficult what with exams and that. Anyway I hope you enjoy. 3 xxx Knowing Helen was lying on her back, eyes closed, smiling to herself. She was really happy, genuinely happy. It was a warm day and the sun was shining through the window onto her face; the heat, the comfort and the memory of last night's events keeping her in a blissful daze. It had been a month since she and Stephen had embarked on their affair and so far, Nick was none the wiser. The body next to her stirred and she felt a hand rest on her cheek, turning her face towards his. "I'll get some coffee." He began to rise and she found herself reaching out to pull him back down. "Don't, stay here, it's warmer." He laughed at her justification and lay back down on his back, looking at her. Not feeling the least bit self conscious, she slid over and rested her head on his chest, feeling the vibrations as he laughed again. He wove his fingers through her hair and kissed her head softly. "Helen, it's a Tuesday. It's 7.30." She groaned and got up, pulling one of the sheets around her. "Stephen am I lecturing you today?" She really needed to shower. The morning charm had broken and she felt tired, dirty and not in the mood for lecturing. "In an hour." She sighed and walked into the bathroom. The water was cold and she got soap in her eyes, but it was a relief to be clean. Helen tried to forget where she was, focussing on her hair and her clothes, but it was too prominent in her mind. Stephen tried to talk to her on her way out but she just left, no sign of an apology on her lips. She knew he wouldn't mind. It was a rush. She needed to get to the Lecture theatre a good while before Stephen without the risk of making him late. Normally she wouldn't mind but she knew that if he walked in late she would react in a way that was... Less than nonchalant ... And somehow they would all just know. She no longer cared that she was cheating on her husband, or that she was ruining Stephen's innocence; she just didn't want to get caught doing it. Stephen walked in, along with the other students, and they all sat down. On the projector she had a huge image of Archaeopteryx, every person rolled their eyes. "What! It's the easiest thing you'll ever study!" A few laughed, but they were disheartened. One spoke up above the rest. "Exactly, professor! We want a challenge!" It was Stephen, his mocking tone and soft sarcasm gave him away. "If you want a challenge, try sorting out my paperwork. I know you're all dying to do field work, and I am trying! It's just convincing the university to let us use all their money!" The same few gave the same laugh. She sighed. She usually didn't use the whole 'discuss' method but she was tired. She was tired of teaching these incompetent children things she had known for years, tired of not a single one appreciating just how bloody tedious it was. "I know you know the details, we want to look at the importance of this creature. What is it? Where was it found? What does it signify? What are the features that make this animal so distinctive? Discuss." After the lecture was over, a few students waited behind. The first was Stephen, slipping her a time and place written on a piece of paper, hidden amongst the pages of an essay. The next few all had questions that she had failed to answer in her discussion. The last was a girl, about 5.2 with dark gingery hair and blue eyes. Her skin was pale and she wore a waistcoat- it was a rather peculiar look, but Helen quite approved of the girl's dark eye makeup. The girl, Ally, stood awkwardly and twiddled her thumbs as her professor packed away. "Well? What is it?" The girl sighed and moved back into the older woman's eye-line. "I saw you this morning. I was visiting a friend in the same block as Stephen stays in... I just want to make sure you've thought about what you're doing." Helen went pale . She had known this might happen. Swiftly she turned to face the girl, her eyes cold and her tongue sharp. "I'm not sure it's your business to know. I don't even know why you're telling me this, do you want something?" She was annoyed. If she had been this girl she would have just kept her mouth shut. "I'm not doing this for any personal gain. I'm thinking about the fact that you could loose your job, Stephen has been excluded by the rest of the students. I mean everyone has figured it out. They all know he's in love with you! And they know that the only person you're in love with is your husband, who just so happens to be Stephen's closet friend at the moment, barring you. I'm thinking about the fact that this will crush your husband if he finds out. Stop it while you can." The girl walked out and Helen stared into space. After a moment of allowing the fury inside her to build up, she walked forward and kicked a desk so hard it managed to knock over three others in it's fall. She breathed for a moment, collecting herself, then sat down in one of the chairs left in the wreckage. Closing her eyes, she tried to calm herself, but she could sense someone walking towards her. "Nick, please go." There was no reply, but he sat next to her and pulled her towards him, leaning her head against his shoulder. He smelt like incense and coffee. Nick moved his head to kiss her soft hair, and after he did he mumbled one word into her ear. "Never." 


	8. Chapter 8

Disclaimer- Don't own it. A/N- If any of you are interested, I have a twitter account- MikiCarnivalKid ... If you follow you can put in requests for stories, I'll happily write for most things xxx Hope you enjoy this chapter... Remember to review if you have time xxx Ending it. None of them said anything, of course, but she could see it in their eyes. They knew. It was plain in the way they treated Stephen as well, he was readily being seen as scum. The weeks ticked by and nothing changed. She would drive to the college, concentrating on not letting herself swerve, wondering why the hell she was doing this. Her drive would be proceeded by her pacing in front of her car for five minutes, wringing her hands and having a silent argument. She would end it. She decided this every time, she would go over there and end it. So she did. Stephen would open the door for her and she'd walk through in front of him, in an obvious state of panic. "I can't do this Stephen, I just can't do it." She would freak out and he would move closer to her, arms raised to keep her calm. When he was close enough, she would fall into his arms and forget all about her plans to end it. The desperation turned into passion and they forgot all about everything else. The next day she would walk into the lecture theatre, feeling eyes bore through her skin. They all wondered if she had ended it. She would look down into Ally's eyes as Stephen walked in, they were filled with disappointment. It happened invariably the same and Helen began to hate it. She felt like they were all waiting for her, like you wait for someone to admit they're pregnant, or for your boss to give you a promotion. It had to happen, just when? It was so obvious and the wait was so annoying. She even began to feel the same way herself. In reality she didn't need to end it immediately at all. She was probably going to leave Nick so why not? She had to end it now, she saw no other way. The end of the lecture came as it always did, and Stephen handed her a disguised meeting point as he left. She started fingering the paper, knowing she had to stop, when a voice surprised her. "Don't go. If you see him you'll never end it. Just pack up your work, go home to your husband and remember why you're doing this!" Helen turned to look at her, eyes burning with annoyance at the audacity of t he girl. "What do you mean, Ally?" Ally took the paper from between Helen's fingers and ripped it up. "You're with Stephen because you don't think your husband loves you anymore. So go home to him- he barely ever sees you now, he'll want you more than ever! Remind yourself, remind him, why you got married." Helen said nothing, just turned and left. Though Helen did notice that she didn't even glance at Stephen, who was standing with friends nearby. Once again she was driving, nails biting into her skin as she fought to keep on the road. She didn't want to swerve, she didn't want to but it was a compulsion. A mania. A little voice in her mind screaming for her death. A little voice telling her to end it. She was scared. She didn't even know what she was scared of- leaving Stephen or going home to Nick? It felt to her as though this was one of the most important decisions of her life, yet he wouldn't even notice. But what if he did- notice? What if he knew, if he just sat around laughing about how ridiculous she was being. And it was ridiculous- she was sleeping with a student! She was cheating on her husband with a child! It was so stupid she was suddenly furious. She began yelling abuse at no one in particular, herself maybe, a desire to escape overwhelming her. Logic ended, words couldn't form in her mind, there was only solid noise. She screwed her eyes shut and not allowing herself to think, she jerked the steering wheel to the left. Helen Cutter screamed as she saw the trunk of a tree hurtling towards her. 


	9. Chapter 9

Disclaimer- Don't own it. Seeing the light. Helen Cutter forced her eyes to open. She couldn't remember where she was, what had happened. The world was hazy- too much smoke and darkness and pain. Pain. Oh god the pain. How had she not noticed before? Her head felt like it was screaming at her- sharp, punishing screeches that could cripple her at any second. She couldn't see anything, but she could feel how her body was twisted. It was as though she had tried to curl into a ball before impact. Impact. She had crashed the car. She was covered in glass, from her window. In some places she could feel it digging into her skin, Helen tried to move but her body wouldn't let her. The only thing she could do was to move her neck slightly forward, but in doing this a salty liquid ran into her eye, making it sting. The sudden panic this caused gave her enough motivation to move, and she tried desperately to wipe the liquid from her eyes. Her clean hand reached out in front of her, fumbling until it curled round a cylindrical control, which she pulled down. Her headlights came on, blinding her for a moment, and causing her head to throb even more- when she could see again, she looked down to find that the liquid she had wiped from her eyes was her own blood. She needed to get out of there. She wiped the blood onto her shirt and fumbled around for the seat belt. When she was free, she breathed deeply, then yanked her right leg out from the mangled front of the car. Helen screamed. She was fairly sure she had crushed her ankle on the way out. Trying the door handle she was unsurprised to find it locked, this situation was just getting worse and worse. Why did she do it? That deep dark corner of her mind that wanted this, why did it want it? It wasn't fun, it wasn't freeing, it was terrifying. She lifted her left knee to her chest and braced her body before beginning to kick the remaining glass from her window. When she was done she used her arms to pull herself through the hole on her front. There was glass digging into her, she could feel it scrape at her stomach and jam into her flesh. All she could do was shut her eyes and grit her teeth, praying for it to be over soon. Then she was out. In the distance she could see a light, but her vision was too blurred to make it out. Limping heavily, she made her way towards it, calling for help. The light was getting bigger, flickering, she moved through it, then it was day. It was day and she was looking at the leg of... Helen honestly didn't know. She looked up, and up, and... WOOLEY MAMMOTH? The shock made her switch her weight to her bad leg and she stumbled backwards, falling. She was sitting in the mud in her own time, breathing heavily, eyes wide. Leaning forward, she looked through into this other world, it was a completely different time. The mammoth was gone, it was being chased by... Neanderthals. She didn't want to believe it but that was all they good be. The slanting forehead, stooped form... Her mind went into overdrive and she pulled herself back to her own time. The light flickered a few more times then was gone. She stood up, blinking. For a few seconds she stumbled backwards, then pulled out her mobile. "Nick! Nick I was coming home early and I don't know what happened but I swerved and... I think I've got concussion... Also I can't walk on my ankle... Please I can't see properly I think I've still got some blood in my eye... Not far from the university. Please come?" He would. When he got there she was sitting on the floor by her car, staring into the distance. He pulled over quickly and ran to her. Crouching down beside her he pulled her into his arms, stopping when she yelled. Releasing her slowly he saw the jagged shard of glass wedged into her stomach. She looked down, seeing it too, then she did something he never expected her to do. He was so unprepared for it he didn't even think to stop her. She reached down with both hands, one holding the flesh around the spike, the other wrapping her sleeve around the glass itself. With one sharp tug, she removed the shard from her abdomen. Tossing it aside, she let Nick envelope her in his arms. They stayed there like that for a long time, Helen mumbling two words that she couldn't seem to help. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry." She repeated these two words until the ambulance came. Nick never even knew what she was sorry for. 


	10. Chapter 10

Disclaimer- Don't own it. A/N- Hey, sorry this is late, I'm starting work on something else I'm going to start posting on Sunday, if you're interested, take a look- .com Hope you enjoy the latest chapter, don't forget to review, also thanks to those of you who have been doing- it really makes my day :) 3 The Reaction- Before going to see the students, Helen took a minute or two alone in her study to gather her thoughts. Every move she took was slow and rather pained. Moving towards her desk, she observed the mirror in front of her. That woman sitting in the glass couldn't be her, it had to be someone else. This new woman had a black eye and a burst lip. This woman had cuts of various sizes and shapes all over her body. This woman was sitting down because, if she was honest with herself, it hurt too much to stand. They had given her crutches, of course, but the scar on her stomach made it difficult to lift herself. Every time she pushed herself up she found herself resisting the compulsion to grimace. Supposing there was nothing she could do about that particular problem, she pulled a makeup bag out of her rucksack and began the assault on her face. After about three dabs of powder, however, she gave in to the fact that she would just have to look a mess. Helen gripped her crutches between her legs and slipped the rucksack back on, trying desperately not to twist her body in an unnecessarily painful way. Once this was over, she ran her fingers through her hair briefly and stood up, her leg bent so as not to put pressure on the ankle. Before leaving her study, she delayed for a second, closing her eyes and breathing deeply. When she stepped out into the corridor, the reaction was as she had expected. People stared. Sighing, she gathered her resolve and began her journey. On a normal day, this would be two minutes of bustling through a busy crowd. Today, she had a different experience altogether. As she moved, people moved away from her, parting to supply her a path of isolation. She felt as though she were encompassed in a cage of eyes. She would just smile and ignore them, but it wasn't exactly easy. Just when she felt she couldn't take anymore, they all looked away. Helen didn't need to look around to see that Nick had stepped up beside her. This time, when she smiled, it felt real- it didn't make her eyes sting. He led her through the students all the way to the lecture theatre doors, so far- no Stephen. Good. She turned to thank him, genuinely grateful. For a moment she thought he would remain impassive, but instead he pulled her into a gentle embrace and whispered quietly into her ear- "You can face them." And then she could. She knew she could. She could walk in that room and smile at them and start her lecture. It wouldn't be a battle, it would just be a lecture theatre full of students. As he released her, she put her hand to his cheek. For a moment, he stiffened at the intensity of her gaze. She swore she could see confusion in his eyes, but then it faded to curiosity. Softly, deliberately, she placed a second hand on his face, he encircled her waste with one of his arms. Now when she looked into his eyes, she saw certainty, and perhaps nervous anticipation. Before she could back out, she pulled his face down to hers, moving her hands to lock around his neck. They took a second to make sure they both knew what they were doing, it had been so long for them both, it was like they didn't quite know each other anymore. Then her lips were on his, her body falling into his, becoming a part of it. It felt like she had been trying to live without three of her organs, and had just been given them back. She could breath again. As he kissed her back, pulling her towards him, she relaxed into him, ignoring the pain in her abdomen. She never wanted to let him go- this man who she loved, who she needed. He was hers. But she had to, her body was about to give in to the pain and a sharp intake of breath drew her away from him. He chuckled softly to himself while she righted herself and picked up her crutches. She just smiled. When she looked up to him again, she couldn't help but grin. He made her feel exited and warm, happy. "Thank you." He nodded and walked away, a slightly snug smile edging onto his lips. Her own students were more subtle than the others, they remained impassive, listening carefully and nodding at all the correct intervals. All but two. There was a slight tenseness to Ally's face that gave away her worry, and whenever she looked at Stephen, stony as his face was, his eyes were full of concern, wide and bright. He very obviously didn't know what to do with himself. When the lecture was over, she saw him move towards her, and she turned her back on him, only to see Ally, hand out to offer assistance. "Why don't I take your bag? We could grab coffee?" Surprising herself, Helen agreed happily, glad of the girl's company. Perhaps she was just thankful for the excuse to avoid Stephen, or maybe relieved to have something else to think about. The coffee was mediocre, but Ally was nice- distracting. They talked about a million light hearted things, as though they hadn't a care in the world, then Helen returned to her empty house with a glowing smile on her scarred face. 


	11. Chapter 11

Disclaimer- Don't own it. A/N- Sorry it's later than usual! I'm going to have to update less frequently now because I've got exams coming up... To answer a question in reviews- I'm updating on my phone, I didn't realise paragraphs were being put together and things, do you know how to fix it?... I also want to thank people for reading and reviewing so much xxx Enjoy... Colder There was something soothing about the methodical process of typing- the rhythm of of her fingers over the keys, brushing gently over each letter, thumbs occasionally inputting with a click of the space bar. It was so simple, so easy, she could stop thinking, let her mind relax; she didn't have to think about Stephen, she didn't have to think about Nick, she didn't have to think about driving her car into a tree. Of course, this train of thought led her back to thoughts of the night and she was instantly put off. If she just kept typing, formulating her perfect sentences, it wouldn't matter. Of course, the words began to swim before her eyes, replaced by a scream- her scream, darkness, pain. Most of all the panic, the fear. Her body jerked, pulling her away from the desk. Relaxing her muscles with a sigh, she saved her work and closed her lap top with a sigh. She could do no more that night. Standing, she heard the front door open and went to get out some glasses. "Nick! You're early!" She didn't expect a response and so was not surprised upon not receiving one. Pouring drinks for them both, she listened to him walk into the room and drop his bag on the floor. He tapped his fingers gently on the surface of the laptop. "You've been working." She smiled and handed him a drink. "I don't really want to loose my job you know." He nodded dryly, taking a sip of his drink, almost immediately he pulled a face and spat it back into the glass. "That's disgusting!" "You bought it." He gave her a wary look and sat down in front of her work, opening it up. She turned her back on him, pouring her own drink down the drain , not wanting to see the look on his face. She expected him to say something, she really wished he would, she didn't want to have to turn around and... She turned around. He was just sat there, head in his hands, elbows rested on the table. "There's no need to throw all this praise on me, really!" He didn't say anything. She waited, but he just sat there, she was starting to get annoyed. Banging her glass down on the table she almost shouted- "Nick there's got to be an explanation!" "There is an explanation! It's called evolution!" He was quite suddenly on his feet, obviously disappointed and angry. His lips were pursed and his eyes wide. Helen couldn't help it, she smiled. She looked at him, leaned back against the counter, her lips refraining themselves from a cruel grin, a smile was bad enough. "Is something funny?" She didn't say anything, just watched him get more and more annoyed. She shifted his weight from side to side- she could make him uncomfortable with such ease. "Helen, don't be like this, please. You need to stop obsessing over these little questions, you are never going to answer them! You can't! Let it go!" She walked towards him, watching his eyes fill with anticipation. When her face and body were close enough that she could feel his breath on her skin, she leant towards him, putting her lips to his ear. He was so still, almost like he was scared of her. She spoke no louder than a whisper, but he heard every word. "What if you could... Answer them? What if you could prove it? You wouldn't let it go." She pulled back, looking deliberately into his eyes. "I can prove it, Nick." She laid her hands on his shoulders. "I just need a little more time. I can prove it, you know I can." Slowly, she moved closer to him, until they were inches apart. Just before she kissed him, he stepped backwards. There was a strange look in his eyes. It stung. He had rejected her outright, he hadn't just not kissed her, he'd refused to let her kiss him, and it stung. She took in a breath quickly, trying not to let her face show the betrayal she felt, but she worried her eyebrows betrayed her just like he did. "I don't know who you are anymore- you become colder every day. Do you even care anymore? About any of this? About us? All you care about are these anomalies in evolution, I don't even know what you're looking for. You're either inane or a genius, I don't know, but you're not my wife right now." She tried to speak but he stopped her again. "I'm going out." At first she didn't care- let him. But then she felt a sting in her throat and remembered what caring felt like, it was like she needed him there. She followed after him a few seconds too late- the car was leaving the drive as she left the door. For a second she wondered if this was it- the end. It didn't last long, he would always come back to her and they both knew it. Anyway, she was busy. Going back to the table, she pulled out a piece of paper she had hidden under her laptop. She had 20 minutes to spare. Putting her pencil to the paper, she began to perfect the peculiar shards of light she had drawn on the page. She wasn't sure what it was- a dream, a memory- but she had to find out, and she wouldn't stop until she did. 


End file.
